It is not always easy to find time to be sexy or feel sexy when you have spit up running down the back of your shirt and the kiddos just walking in the bathroom while you are trying to go “number 1.” In fact, these are the times when our wardrobe consists of 1 pair of jeans, one dress hidden in the back of the closet (forgot I had that) and 25 pairs of yoga pants and t-shirts. But despite the spit up running down your back, and the kiddos walking in while you do “number 1”, you are still married and need to give to that sector of your life. Not to mention that you deserve to feel sexy and fun again.
While you may not be able to wear lingerie to bed because the kids walk in with nightmares, there are still many things that you can do to spice up your marriage. Here are 3 ways you can spice up your marriage if you have young children around:
1. Quick sex- fun Sex
You want that Caribbean. Yes, I know you want to make love for 3 hours on a Caribbean island, but guess what? Little Johnny is screaming in the kitchen because he can’t reach the bowls for cereal and little Timmy is banging on the bathroom door with a toy car, screaming “can I come in.” This is clearly far from the Caribbean setting. Instead of pouting about the lack of palm trees, breeze and sunshine, take advantage of the situation you do have.
Get naked, quick. If you wake up in the morning and you and your spouse know you have 5 minutes before the kids get up, run to the bathroom and do the dirty. Have fun with it. It is spontaneous and you have to be quiet. Plus, it starts off your day with both of you having a little secret and thinking about each other’s bodies instead of just thinking about the day ahead and what is for dinner later that night.
Where can you have quick, quiet, fun sex with your spouse? When do you have opportunities for sex and pass them up because you are “tired” or “irritated?” How can you work through those feelings so you can make time for each other intimately?
2. Be Spontaneous
With children there are a lot of checklists, appointments and structure, and this behavior often rolls into our marriage. But fun and excitement with our spouse isn’t often going to come from checklists and planned activities.
In your marriage try to avoid being so streamlined. Okay, so yes, that sex in the morning bathroom for 2.2 minutes is surely spontaneous, but being spontaneous goes beyond sex. Try to be spontaneous with a lot of things in your marriage in order to spice it up. When the family goes out to get some chores done, on the way home, randomly stop at a new restaurant. If you pass a store, and your spouse says, “want to stop in that place,” instead of rushing to get home, try saying “yeah, let’s do it.” Maybe you and your spouse decide last minute to meet for lunch or meet up at home on lunch break(wink-wink). Try adding in 3 unplanned (big or very small) things into your marriage each week.
For reflection: Can you commit to doing 2 spontaneous things this week with your spouse? How could veering off structure with your spouse end up adding spice into your marriage?
Who has time to flirt? How flirty can one really be while changing a diaper, doing math homework, burning biscuits in the oven and racing to the ER in the middle of the night with a fever and ear infection? Truth is, I’ve done all these things, and it’s really hard to flirt during these times.
Realize there is a lot of time in the day, and while helping Timmy with his math homework may not be the time you can flirt, there are other opportunities. Texting sexy or fun things during the day to each other are great ways to flirt. Even while in the living room watching “Disney Junior,” silence your phone and text each other back and forth. Leave each other voicemails. As you walk by each other in the hall or kitchen, touch each other, even if it is just on the shoulder, side of the leg, etc. Wink at each other. High five each other when you stop the flames from the burning biscuits. Being a team is sexy in itself. Cuddle in bed and laugh. Do silly things like tickle each other, play fun tackle and kiss. Kiss. Kiss as much as you can and be present during that kiss, even if it is a quick one.
For reflection: What were some things you and your spouse did before children to flirt? What can you bring back today?